Adriana…1 year later

I still wake up every morning wishing this year was a bad dream. 365 mornings with the same wish…

But there is no end. No specific time or morning when I can say “Thank God it’s over”, it will never be over. I have to learn to live with this brick that presses on my heart forever.

As parents we look back on pictures of our children and seeing “the firsts”. The first time we went there, first time she ate this and so on… I never thought i would have to look at pictures of my daughter and see her “lasts”

But I refuse to believe that death is the end. How stupid and pathetic this life on earth is if that were true.

I refuse it but at the same time I just don’t get it. I hate it. I’m scared of it.

This year I simply existed and just “went with the flow”. Call it shock or denial or anything you want but until now I still can’t believe it happened.

How can I have a perfectly normal life and family and then have it crushed and taken away forever in less than 5 minutes.

I relive that last morning with her more than you can ever imagine. The “what ifs” still haunt me and may haunt me for the rest of my life.

But no matter what I refuse to give up.

Call me stubborn, but I will not be defeated, and here’s why:

We are blessed. Finding out I was pregnant less than 2 weeks after losing Adriana with a beautiful baby girl, has helped. Yvana will never replace her sister but she is helping mend our shattered hearts.

Rebuilding and keeping our family for the remaining time we have left on earth.

We are lucky. This year showed us the beauty of humans.

To those who stood by me in my downs and even lower downs and lifted me back up, thank you.

To those i have never met and showed me love and support when I needed it the most, thank you.

We have to keep going. Though I wish I had a time machine, I don’t.

She will never come back.

But we have to keep going.

For her

For our children.

For us.

For me.

A big piece of me died on Sunday 8 January 2017, 9:30 a.m. and I will never be the same again. None of us will.

But we will continue to ride the waves of grief that keep bashing at us… and keep celebrating her love. Celebrate goodness in this world, wherever I can find it.

And simply keep living… until we meet again…

1 year down, and a lifetime still to go.

9
Yasmina Audi

Super Mama Lebanon

Mom of 3 Living in Beirut, Lebanon

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